Having difficult conversations with our parents about their future health, well-being and care needs can be difficult for us and frustrating for them. This guide gives you the tools to make it easier for everyone.
We have all been faced with those times when you know you should have a difficult conversation, but you don’t. Maybe you’ve tried before, and it went badly. Or perhaps you fear that talking will only make the situation worse. Now you’re faced with having that difficult conversation with your aging parents.
This guide is a brief highlight of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help you stay focused.
A GUIDE FOR HAVING THAT DIFFICULT CONVERSATION WITH AGING PARENTS
Conversations about caregiving, financial management, or health decisions are difficult for aging adults because, to them, it may represent a loss of independence. They may make excuses or shrug off your suggestions for a myriad of reasons – not wanting to give up important decision-making opportunities or allowing others to help in their day-to-day life.
We work with aging parents every day, and we have had the opportunity to learn a lot from them. Here is a guide to the best practices for making difficult conversations with your parents a little bit easier.
PREPARE BEFORE ENGAGING IN A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION WITH AGING PARENTS
A. Before going into the conversation prepare yourself by asking yourself the following questions.
- What is your purpose for having the conversation?
- What do you hope to accomplish?
- What would be an ideal outcome?
You may think you have noble goals, like educating your parents on available resources or highlighting all the ways in which they can’t care for themselves any longer, only to notice that your language is excessively critical or condescending. You’re trying to be supportive but find in the end that you’re pushing. Some purposes are more useful than others. Make sure that the purpose is valuable and will deepen the relationship not make it worse. Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive plan.
B. What assumptions are you making about your parent’s intentions?
You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that that was their intention. Just because you think this was their intent, more often than not we are wrong in our assumptions.
C. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed?
Sometimes we are more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your “backstory,” as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you’ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.
D. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it?
If you think this is going to be horribly painful, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude to ensure the best possible outcome.
E. Who is the person on the other side of the table?
If you see them as an opponent, it will make the conversation more difficult. If on the other hand, you see them as your partner in making things better, the outcome may surprise you.
10 TIPS FOR HAVING “THE TALK”
1. Start Early
When an urgent medical, or financial issue arise, your parents are likely to be under stress and reluctant to talk about the future due to their anxiety about the situation at hand. Change the timeline and try to be proactive – approach difficult topics with your parents when they are rested and relaxed. Doing this will make it easier to discuss and sort through tough topics and get their thoughts on how your family should proceed. This will help determine the right way to manage the conversation going forward.
2. Exercise Patience
Go into difficult conversations with an open mind and be patient – don’t set any hard outcomes for your first talk. Your parent may prefer postponing discussions about their finances and caregiving options until they’ve had time to acknowledge their new needs. Start with small and simple suggestions to help acclimate them to your willingness and ability to help. Getting your parents to acknowledge and accept they need help may be difficult – it’s important to be prepared for resistence, avoidance, or outright rejection of your ideas in these early discussions. However, if your loved one is facing immediate health or financial risk, bring up the issue quickly and persistently until you can create a suitable resolution.
3. Choose the Right Conditions
Determining the right time and locations where your parents will be most receptive to discussing their age-related needs can be determined by simply observing your parent’s routine and behaviors. Try to introduce topics like caregiving preferences, financial decisions, and safety concerns in a private, relaxed, and comfortable environment. Draft your goals and strategy before approaching your parents so you can keep your conversation productive and on track. Instead of trying to resolve everything in one conversation prioritize what you’ll speak to them about so you’re addressing the most pressing issues first.
4. Do Your Homework
Find out what options and local care resources are available for your parents. Being prepared with well-researched suggestions will drive your conversation from hypothetical thinking to concrete planning. Take some time to understand what kind of impact extra care could have on your parents’ lifestyle. If your parents need regular monitoring and assistance, call us at 352-446-5749 and we can guide you through the many options available in The Villages. We can help you craft a plan and present that plan to your parents.
5. Involve Your Siblings or Other Close Family Members
Discuss your concerns and observations with your siblings, close family members, or close family friends to get their observations, as well. Focus on your parents’ best interests and come to a resolution together to avoid any future disputes. Be sure that all relevant parties are kept in the loop with the status of your parents’ health and well-being to reduce the risk of unpleasant surprises or stressful confrontations.
6. Lead with Empathy
The thought of aging or the possibility of losing their independence can be emotionally taxing for people as they age. Use empathetic language when discussing their care needs and future health choices. Remember, these conversations are tough by nature, but it is important to fully define your parents’ medical wishes so you can honor their decisions should the need arise. Be compassionate and address their concerns openly. While this is a necessary and important conversation, it can also bring up feelings of fear and vulnerability. No one likes to think about the end of their life, so be sure to use phrases like:
“I respect that this is difficult, but let’s make sure that we set up a plan the way you want it.”
“Thank you for talking about this with me, I know it must be hard. We’ll get through it together.”
“Let’s sort out the details now so we have a plan, and then we can do something fun.”
“I want to make sure you are taken care of in the same way you took care of me.”
7. Really Listen
As you discuss your plan of action for their care needs, don’t forget to really listen to your parents. As you’re talking, consider these questions:
- Are your parents masking anger or fear?
- Are there things they regret and hope to change?
- Do they have unmet goals they still wish to achieve?
Take this opportunity to help them seek closure on the things they cannot change and find the tools and resources that can improve their current quality of life. Be sure to ask about their feelings first, and offer helpful suggestions after they’ve had an opportunity to share. Once these issues are out of the way, it will become easier to discuss their current and future needs.
8. Avoid Pressure
Your objective should be to create an environment of understanding with your parents so they feel comfortable having these sensitive end-of-life conversations. Try to present your points without using forceful language. When you want to suggest a change, start small to help your parents adjust. Gentle conversations are more likely to provide better results than attempting to force your parents into new habits or new ways of thinking.
9. Get Outside Help
You may need to seek professional guidance when helping your parents determine the right course of action for their plan. We work with several experienced elder attorneys that can help draft important documents like power of attorney in case of medical emergencies. These professionals work with diverse clients and have the experience to provide helpful guidance on the best plan of action based on your needs. Call us at 352-766-5274 if you don’t know where to turn and we can help introduce you to professionals that are well respected in The Villages.
10. Take Notes
Discussions about end-of-life care and plans are ongoing and can change based on factors like your parents’ health, financial situation, and mental state. Take clear notes during your conversations so you can review details and go back to your plan as needed. Recording your parents’ thoughts will make future conversations easier.
CONCLUSION
You head into these conversations with the best of intentions. You want to help your parents stay safe, get the care they need, and preserve their dignity in the process. But, it’s important to recognize they will have their own fears and objections which are valid and absolutely normal. Thinking about end-of-life care, choices in a crisis or changes that disrupt the norm can be unsettling. Be gentle and pragmatic so you can help your parents make the best decisions for them. If you would like more information on the available resource in The Villages, FL, and the surrounding area please contact Your Key To Senior Living Options to connect with local, experienced, compassionate senior living advisors. Our services are 100% free to seniors and their families.
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And just like you, I’ve been a caregiver.
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