What do we want from our adult children as we begin to age? How much concern is too much and when do we draw the line? These tips can help!
Several years ago, as my parents started to age, I read many books on how best to approach difficult conversations. Despite having a solid relationship with my mom and dad, I wondered how best to navigate what I knew would eventually come up. Situations like driving, memory lapses, wills, medical care and more.
My parents were very different people. My father was reasonable. So reasonable that when he announced that he didn’t feel safe driving anymore, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. My mother was more challenging. She believed she had abilities she did not have. For example, I had to hide the step ladder because she insisted on getting up on it regularly to “get stuff out of the closet.” She could not walk without a walker but felt it was okay to get four feet off the ground on an unsteady object without assistance.
Being in the field of senior living, we hear from lawyers, financial planners, doctors, therapists, and administrators of senior living communities about the struggles and successes of navigating the conversations between parents and children and the outcomes.
But since I turned 60 last year and purchased my long-term care policy, I find that I have at least one foot (ok, maybe only a partial foot) on the other side of this equation. I’ve finally started the journey of becoming an aging parent and I look at parent care from a different viewpoint. I can nod in agreement when a friend’s son expresses concern to me about his mom’s driving after dark, but I can also commiserate with my friend, his mother, who complains of “being badgered by my kid about my driving.” They may have different answers to the situation’s key questions: How serious a problem is the mom’s driving? And how capable is the mom of making her own decisions?
Another perspective: I recently visited a museum with my friends Mike and Ellen. Mike just turned 79 and did the driving. Sitting in the front seat clutching the door handle, I wondered how on earth I would bring this subject up to his wife that Mike drives too fast and often veers into other lanes. Mike and Ellen have no children. I am significantly younger than they are. Ellen is 73. As their friend, is it my place to bring this up to her? Does she recognize this herself? Sometimes these difficult conversations need to occur between friends too.
Certainly, there are situations where an adult child’s intervention in the ailing parent’s life is clearly needed, but what if this isn’t one of those times?
As we get older, attempts to hold on to our independence can be at odds with even the most well-intentioned “suggestions” from our children. We want to be cared about but fear being cared for. Hence the push and pull when a well-meaning offspring steps onto our turf.
WHAT LEADS TO OVERBEARING BEHAVIORS FROM ADULT CHILDREN?
Whether your child is in an active caregiving role or not, adult children realize that their time is limited with their parents. This underlying and often unrecognized fear often leads adult children to exhibit controlling or overbearing behaviors. What we want as the parent is a child who shows appropriate concern without turning that concern into something it doesn’t need to be. We want to retain our ability to choose, be independent and self-sufficient, to age with dignity and preserve our self-esteem.
If your adult child is in a caretaker role, their reasons for overbearing behaviors may exist because of lifelong patterns of controlling others. Or instead of fear of death, the fear of being displaced from your home and losing financial support may be the reason for overbearing behaviors. The caregiver believes “as long as I’m here to care for mom or dad, I have a home and don’t have to work.”
SO WHAT ARE OLDER PARENTS LOOKING FOR FROM THEIR ADULT CHILDREN?
In a 2004 study, two professors from the State University of New York at Albany, the public-health professor Mary Gallant and sociologist Glenna Spitze, explored the issue in interviews with focus groups of older adults. Among their findings: Their participants “express a strong desire for both autonomy and connection in relations with their adult children, leading to ambivalence about receiving assistance from them. They define themselves as independent but hope that children’s help will be available as needed. They are annoyed by children’s overprotectiveness but appreciate the concern it expresses. They use a variety of strategies to deal with their ambivalent feelings, such as minimizing the help they receive, ignoring or resisting children’s attempts to control …”
Whether that means he’s independent or uncompromising depends on who’s making the call. A recent study by Zarit and his colleagues looked at parental stubbornness as a complicating factor in intergenerational relationships. Not surprisingly, adult children were more likely to say their parents were acting stubborn than the parents were to see the behavior in themselves. Understanding why parents may be “insisting, resisting, or persisting in their ways or opinions,” the study reads, can lead to better communication.
Zarit’s advice to the adult child: “Do not pick arguments. Do not make a parent feel defensive. Plant an idea, step back, and bring it up later. Be patient. Finding better ways to have that conversation is really important.”
This brings us back to the difficult conversation, except this time, you, as the older adult, need to be in the driver’s seat.
Bring up your thoughts and feelings about your aging and the type of assistance you’ll find useful and nonintrusive BEFORE your children do. Here’s how!
PREPARE BEFORE ENGAGING IN A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION WITH ADULT CHILDREN
A. Before going into the conversation, prepare by asking yourself the following questions:
- What is your purpose for having the conversation?
- What do you hope to accomplish?
- What would be an ideal outcome?
You may think you have noble goals, like educating your children on your abilities or your stellar driving record, only to notice that your language is argumentative or condescending. You’re trying to exert your independence but find that you’re off-putting. Some purposes are more useful than others. Make sure that the purpose is valuable and will not worsen the relationship. Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive plan.
B. What assumptions are you making about your child’s intentions?
You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that was their intention. Just because you think this was their intent, more often than not we are wrong in our assumptions.
C. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed?
Sometimes we are more emotional than the situation warrants. Look at your “backstory,” as they say in the movies. We all recognize at some level we are getting older, even if we don’t want to come right out and admit it. You may still have the conversation, but you’ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.
D. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it?
If you think this will be horribly painful, it will probably be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude to ensure the best possible outcome.
E. Who is the person on the other side of the table?
If you see your adult child as an opponent, it will make the conversation more difficult. If, on the other hand, you see them as your partner in making things better, the outcome may surprise you.
9 TIPS FOR HAVING “THE TALK”
1. Start Early
We all understand that as we age, our abilities may decline. Don’t wait to talk about these realities with your adult children. Bring it up now when there isn’t an urgent medical or financial issue and you’re under more stress and more reluctant to discuss it. Change the timeline and try to be proactive – approach difficult topics with your children when they are open and relaxed. Doing this will make it easier to discuss and sort through tough topics and get their thoughts on how your family might proceed. This will help determine the right way to manage the conversation going forward.
2. Exercise Patience
Go into difficult conversations with an open mind and be patient – don’t set any hard outcomes for your first talk. Your kids may prefer postponing discussions about your finances and caregiving options until they see the need – by then, it might be too late. Start with small and simple suggestions to help acclimate them what you see and don’t see as the help your need. Getting your kids to acknowledge and accept that you want to retain as much of your independence and dignity as is humanly possible may be difficult – it’s important to be prepared for resistence, avoidance, or outright rejection of your ideas in these early discussions. However, if you face immediate health or financial risk, resolve the issue quickly with your children to create a safe and suitable situation that meets your needs.
3. Choose the Right Conditions
Determining the right time and locations where your children will be most receptive to discussing your needs and desires. Try introducing topics like caregiving preferences, financial decisions, and safety concerns in a private, relaxed, and comfortable environment. Draft your goals and strategy before approaching your children to keep your conversation productive and on track. Instead of trying to resolve everything in one conversation, prioritize what you’ll speak to them about so you’re addressing the most pressing issues first.
4. Do Your Homework
Find out what options and local care resources are available for you. Preparing with well-researched suggestions will drive your conversation from hypothetical thinking to concrete planning. Take some time to understand the impact extra care could have on your lifestyle. If you need help crafting your plan, call us at 352-766-5274 and we can guide you through the many options available in The Villages. We can help you craft a plan and present that plan to your children.
5. Lead with Empathy
The thought of aging or the possibility of losing our independence can be emotionally taxing for everyone involved. Use specific language when discussing your care needs and future health choices. Remember, these conversations are tough by nature, but it is important to fully define your medical wishes so your family can honor your decisions should the need arise. While this is a necessary and important conversation, it can also bring up feelings of fear and vulnerability and loss. No one likes to think about the end of their life, including your children so keep that in mind as you discuss your needs.
6. Really Listen
As you discuss your action plan, don’t forget to listen to your children. As you’re talking, consider these questions:
- Are your children masking fear?
- Are there things they regret and hope to change?
- Do they have any valid concerns?
7. Avoid Pressure
Your objective should be to create an environment of understanding with your children so they feel comfortable having these sensitive end-of-life conversations. Try to present your points without using forceful language.
8. Get Outside Help
You may need to seek professional guidance when helping your children acknowledge your plan. We work with several experienced elder attorneys that can help draft important documents like power of attorney in case of medical emergencies. These professionals work with diverse clients and have the experience to provide helpful guidance on the best action plan based on your needs. Call us at 352-766-5274 if you don’t know where to turn and we can help introduce you to professionals that are well respected in The Villages.
9. Take Notes
Discussions about end-of-life care and plans are ongoing and can change based on factors like your health, financial situation, and mental state. Take clear notes during your conversations so you can review details and go back to your plan as needed. Recording your children’s thoughts will make future conversations easier.
CONCLUSION
It’s a fact of life that is often ignored by most of us – we’re getting older. And as a result, we bury our heads in the sand and pretend it’s not happening forcing our adult children into a position of having to have the difficult conversations. But, if we are proactive, accepting our resulting aging process with grace, we can take control of this process and stay in the driver’s seat, navigating our wants and needs and ensuring we live out the rest of our days on our terms.
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And just like you, I’ve been a caregiver.
I share my knowledge and tips to help seniors and families as they navigate the complicated process of senior living options.
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