You probably grew up fighting with your siblings. Who didn’t. But now that you’re adults you’d think that siblings fighting over your elderly parents wouldn’t be as common as it is. If you’re finding yourself fighting with your brother and sisters over your parents, realize you are not alone.
When it comes time to care for elderly parents, family fights can be the most difficult aspect to deal with. Everyone has their own opinion about what’s best, which can cause a great deal of bickering. This leads to stress, not only for the adult children trying to help but also for the parents. The care of elderly parents is a common cause of arguments within families. If it’s something you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. Here are some of the most common causes for why siblings fight over care for elderly parents and a few ways to deal with them:
FIGHTING OVER MOM AND DAD: HOW TO END THE ARGUMENTS AND COME TOGETHER
PARENTS DON’T WANT HELP
Sometimes the fight is not with the siblings, but the parents. The family might agree that mom or dad needs care, but the parents are resisting. This is completely understandable; they value their independence and don’t want to give that up. So, they hold on to it as long as possible, even if it’s not the best choice for them. The thought of giving up their independence may be stressing them, causing anxiety and depression.
Resolution: Talk to your parents about their fears and uncertainties of getting help. Try to understand where they’re coming from; put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel? Let them know that you’re not trying to take away their independence or “put them away,” you only want to protect them. Your parent’s fears may come from not knowing what to expect so educate them on the options available for senior care. If you’re unsure, contact us and we can help guide you through the process.
Explain to them what it would mean to bring in some help for them at home or what they could expect from assisted living. Set up a time to tour some communities with us or interview potential at-home caregivers. Then we can discuss the available options with your parents and include them in the decision-making process. Let them know how much peace it would give you to know that they have the help they need when you can’t be there.
If your parents have been diagnosed with advanced dementia or Alzheimer’s, you may need to take steps to obtain guardianship for their care.
SIBLINGS HAVE DIFFERENT VIEWS ON THE SITUATION
Helping elderly parents can become challenging when siblings have different views about care. One sibling might feel that mom or dad only needs a little extra help around the house while another feels that an assisted living facility is the best option. Factors like quality of care and cost can escalate disagreements to full-blown feuds.
If all of this is going on while parents are still struggling with the fact that they need any help at all it can cause a lot of animosity between family members.
Resolution: Try to reach a temporary compromise. For instance, you can agree to try in-home care for a certain period to see if it helps and agree that, if it doesn’t, you’ll move toward assisted living. It may also be a good idea to seek the opinion of a neutral party, like your parent’s physician. Talk to the doctor about what kind of care they think is best based on your parent’s condition and review your options with him or her. Sometimes, this kind of clarification can help families make the best choices, not only for the current condition but with the parent’s declining health.
ONE SIBLING IS DOING MOST OF THE WORK
In a family with siblings, if one child is doing most of the work or making most of the decisions they can begin to feel resentful towards the rest of the family. This usually happens if one child lives close to their parents while the others are farther away. Or, one child is making most of the decisions because the other children won’t participate. This can begin to cause animosity, frustration, and disagreements that lead to bigger arguments. And the longer this kind of situation goes on, the worse it can get from the frustration building up over time.
Resolution: Often, the children who don’t help or participate in discussions stay out of it because they feel their help or opinion is not needed. It’s important to speak up about your needs and expectations in order to resolve the conflict. If you’re the one providing all the support, let your siblings know that you need help and specifically how they can help. You may be surprised to find that they’ll do what they can.
If you’re on the outside, unable to help physically than reach out and ask how you can help in other ways. Can you help to pay for at-home care, a housekeeping service, or grocery service to take some of the burden off your sibling doing most of the work?
And if one sibling is making all the decisions and they are purposely excluding the other siblings, it’s time to speak up and let it be known that you want to be part of the decision making process. Seek professional counseling as a family if necessary.
CARING FOR BOTH PARENTS AT THE SAME TIME
Caring for two parents can create a double challenge. One parent may need dementia or Alzheimer’s care while another is dealing with a disability. Having to care for the different needs of both parents can become overwhelming and exhaustive. However, much you’d like to keep them together, it may not be a possibility due to their different needs. This can definitely cause turmoil between siblings and pull families apart.
Resolution: Seek help and assistance from us anytime. We can review all the options with you and discuss the possibility of keeping your parents together within the same assisted living facility. Many facilities offer various levels of care and may be able to take care of the needs of both parents. Determine all of your options then sit down for a family meeting to discuss the situation and possible solutions.
POWER STRUGGLES OVER HOW MOM AND DADS MONEY SHOULD BE SPENT
Money is at the heart of so many family arguments. If one sibling is struggling to pay the rent while the other has a six-figure salary, how do you equitably split the cost of caring for dad? Who gets the house when he sells it? Should the family member responsible for the day-to-day caregiving inherit a larger chunk of the estate? These and many other questions inevitably end up being uncovered as mom and dad begin to age and need help. And if mom and dad have not properly planned on how to resolve these issues, sibling find themselves arguing and ending up with bad feelings as a result.
Resolution: The first step is to figure out exactly what your parent can afford and how much must be supplemented by family members. Determine what your parent’s resources are in a budget, including income, assets, expenses and any debts, so everyone completely understands where the money is going. Once you figure out what’s needed and you determine if there is a gap, see how each family member can contribute. Focus on what each person can do, and integrate that into the plan, instead of being resentful about what they can’t do. If a sibling can’t pitch in financially, they can help out in other ways, such as cleaning the house, scheduling and driving mom to doctors’ appointments or helping with grocery shopping once a week. Don’t get stuck thinking that a “contribution” must only be monetary.
CONCLUSION
Family fights over elderly parents can pull families apart and end up causing a lot of pain. Before it gets to that point, try having regular family meetings to discuss the options, share your concerns, and vent your frustrations. This will allow you to work together, as a family, to take care of your parents in the best way possible.
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And just like you, I’ve been a caregiver.
I share my knowledge and tips to help seniors and families as they navigate the complicated process of senior living options.
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